Tuesday, June 4th, 2002
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5:24 pm - home...
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So I finally gave up on Boston today. I spent the day driving through the rolling hills and forests and generally appreciating the wonderful climate that I'm willingly leaving behind. My stuff is packed and I'm ready to go... if it weren't for this whole sleep thing I'd be on the road momentarily. Instead I have to force myself to sleep in hopes of getting out of here by five in the morning. We'll see how well that goes. I feel guilty in a way, leaving so soon. Anna is worried that they've treated me badly and that I'm leaving because of her or her kids. I told her that I just want to go home. I miss so much, things I wouldnt even attempt to put into words. I've had a grin on my face all day and even caught myself giggling in the car. yup... its definitely time to go home.
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Monday, May 6th, 2002
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10:10 pm - ...
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Wednesday, April 24th, 2002
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1:35 am - ...
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so it seems I'm a shallow, selfish, empty person. great.
current mood:  crappy
current music: Wilson Phillips - Hold On To One More Day
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1:15 am
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turtlephin: either way im sure youll make it in your little merry world...which would make me happy of course but you cant expect me to be thrilled about the ways in which you go about it. to me having success is relative...you could have bank accounts chock full of cash, a fucking menagerie of friends...but if you cant expect stability within love then...i really dont know. and if you realize one distant day that our words may actually ring true while youre sitting in your corner office, tears falling all over your corporate desk...both des and i will be here for you.
current music: anne o'meara heaton - Isn't It True
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12:03 am - best friends are definitely one of the perks of life
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I love jess. Its amazing how someone can make you feel better no matter how much shit is swirling around in your head.
current mood:  loved
current music: alanis morissette - forgiven (acoustic)
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Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
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7:49 pm - maybe I'm not as independent as I'd like to think...
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I miss my best friend. She not only knew what I was thinking at all times but she'd tell me before I knew it myself. I miss hearing her laugh at me when I said or did anything that was so me but only she knew it was. I miss looking at her and knowing what was going through her head right down to the mumbled half completed sentences she would use to tell me. I miss going to sleep knowing that I'd be woken up halfway through the night to her voice begging me to talk. I'd give almost anything to have her ask for my thoughts now. I miss the way she would drive me insane because she wouldn't stand up to her mom or how she'd lavish attention on anyone that wasn't special to her already. Because anyone who already loved her would love her forever. It was the other people she needed to work on. I trusted her judgment almost completely, at least when it came to me. I have trouble figuring things out on my own. I need her approval or disapproval to know if I'm on the right track. And now I'm in a situation where she wont tell me what she really thinks. And I need to know. I need her to tell me what to do.
current mood: lost
current music: Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing
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6:00 pm - I'm just full of faults today...
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so I find myself scared to talk to one of the people I care most about. I hate the fact that I'm such a coward when it comes to the possibility that someone may be mad at me. and then I spend so much time avoiding conflict that it grows in my head into this huge argument or whatever that eventually I can't bring myself to make any effort to clear it up. But I'm trying.. or rather I will be.
current music: tegan and sara - Days and Days
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10:58 am - I dont wanna grow up...
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So I spent last night questioning by belief in love. I'm more of the love and let go type and it seems thats gonna be a problem. Or at the moment, maybe it wont be a problem. For as long as I can remember Ive imagined my future focusing on my work and my friends. Ive imagined myself constantly on the move looking for work in any city, any country, that I haven't been to before. And to be honest, I like it that way. I dont want to be tied to someone else, having to consider them in my plans. Yes, I am a selfish bastard. But we knew that. I was well aware that this would be a problem before I went and fell in love with someone who doesn't share that belief at all. And yet I did it anyway. So now I don't know what I should do or if I should even worry about it at all. But I'm not gonna be around forever and I cant help but think that I should leave before it gets too serious to let go... if it hasn't gotten there already. And then there's that ever nagging feeling that I'm messing up soemthing wonderful. And as much as I'm told otherwise, the feelings don't seem to be changing. Life needs to get less complicated.
current mood: pessimistic
current music: edie carey - violently
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Monday, April 22nd, 2002
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7:40 pm - life in a cell block
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so I just found out that I didn't get into the apartments for next year. that means an entire year of living in pei. small bed. no privacy. no kitchen. moldy ceilings and walls. bathroom doors that don't close. I'm not a happy girl.I realize that people do this at colleges throughout the world but I've never really had to share a room and I'm no good at the whole compromise thing. At least I'll be living with my best friend who isn't gonna care if I want to sleep naked. Unless her boyfriend'll be sleeping there too. hmm... that could definitely be a problem. The spoiled only child is shining through at the moment. I don't like to share. My family attempted to have me share a room with my sister for a few months. The only way that worked was if I was never home. And while it may be true that I spend half my time in Orlando, the other half I don't want to walk into a room that is brightly lit and hot as hell because Jess seems to have a lack of body heat. My head is already planning room arrangements and how to position hanging sheets to make my half of the room as enclosed as possible. But I'm being pessimistic. At the very least my laundry'll get done on time. I'll eat real meals at real meal times. I'll do my homework and study before the day before. I'll expand my taste in music to include all the weird crap she's picked up from Patrick. And I'll have a ton of books at my disposal. blah... I guess I'll live....
current mood: disappointed
current music: Jann Arden - Unloved
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jessilinnea's journal